Friday, September 21, 2001

It appeared to me, almost immediately, that his face had aged 10 years in just 10 days. Not the aged look of weakness but of maturity.

I searched for the smirk I'd grown to dislike and couldn't find it.

I heard a voice that was strong with conviction, devotion and sincerity.

I heard a composition of simple words that infused the world with hope and pride.

In the face of adversity we grow stronger.

Thank you President Bush, for the energy you gave us.

Suzn : 6:43:32 AM

Wednesday, September 19, 2001

I awoke today thinking of energy; energy that never dies, energy of the collective living and the souls that pass through us. I thought about the need for positive energy and how important that is, and I thought that although it would be difficult, it was time to shake some of the shroud from my being in an attempt to contribute to the strength of the world. I believe that, truly I do, but it was only made more difficult today.

Today, a small group of us went to visit Lenore and her family. She works with us, and was working on the day the flames filled the towers.

For all of the anguish and heartache I have felt in this last week, it was the full realization today, that I will never know what the families of those lost are feeling. And if I am feeling just a small part of their anguish, then their pain goes way beyond what any human being should have to bear.

Her son worked for Cantor Fitzgerald on the 103rd floor. He was 26 years old and he never said goodbye. He was, as were so many, a young man with a bright, bright future and a huge huge heart.

For the time that I held her and her husband I wished that I could pull the cold and horror from them. Just to toss it away, far away from them, from us, from the world. I wished that I had something to fill the emptiness that was her life now.

Her body felt so lifeless I know that a huge part of her has died. I felt broken by her words of wonder at how she couldn't live without her son.

My thoughts turned again to the energy. The energy of the collective souls of the world, infusing those who have no energy left. It's not about what I have lost, or what they, the terrorists, have taken from me, it's about what I have left to give the world.

I want to resolve that I will have energy and that energy will be positive. I will not feel guilt at my laughter but will consider it a gift to you, as I will consider yours a gift to me. I will not forget the pain but I will stay strong and focused. I will not feel broken but I will feel proud to be an American.

Our world is broken, it needs our energy. I want to try. It's all I have to give.

Suzn : 7:39:23 PM

Tuesday, September 18, 2001

Sometime prior to that fateful day last week I ordered a book through Amazon.

It is a book that I have remembered for many years, a book I read as a child and a book that I oddly found my spirit longing for more intensely in the past few weeks. It arrived yesterday, in perfect timing, because my soul, as all the other decent souls in the world, has felt raped and ravaged.

For some strange reason I've never forgotten this book. The title and the small remembrances, more on a sensory level, would creep into my spirit at odd times.

Of all of the books I've read and loved; of all the great literary works I pondered over the years, this book alone was one that I remembered with the oddest and most tender longing to know again.

I remember the book filled me with awe and warmth.

It was written for children but it is an age old story. A story of right against wrong; of saving lives and the world, of having faith and strength and believing.

I turned off the TV last night, for the first time in a week, and felt my head fall softly against the pillow. I turned on the small reading lamp and drifted through the first 100 pages before I fell silently asleep.

A Wrinkle in Time....Madeleine L'Engle.

Suzn : 7:09:53 AM

Monday, September 17, 2001

Tonight begins the
Jewish New Year. May peace find us.

--Suzn : 8:51:08 PM

Sunday, September 16, 2001

"Why, then, do bad things happen to good people? One reason is that our being human leaves us free to hurt each other, and God can't stop us without taking away the freedom that makes us human. Human beings can cheat each other, rob each other, hurt each other, and God can only look down in pity and compassion at how little we have learned over the ages about how human beings should behave."

--Rabbi Harold S. Kushner - "When Bad Things Happen to Good People"

Suzn : 4:25:11 PM